Thoughts on my new tattoo

I recently got a new tattoo. I had some thoughts that I would like to put down...

First of all, I would like to address the comment that I get most often: “aren’t you worried about being an old woman with wrinkly skin and tattoos?” My answer is no, I am not worried. I don’t care. I am not currently saving myself for when I’m 80. Why should I live today for when I’m an old woman? When I’m old, I’ll be old. I will have no one left to impress. My skin will be spotty and wrinkled. I think a little ink will be better than plain old skin.

With that out of the way, let me tell you some of the details. The fish is called Synodontis angelicus or an Angel squeaker. I love catfish and this is my favorite. It is related to the upsidedown catfish. They are found only in the Congo river system, whose banks I played on as a child.

The tattoo took two and a half hours to complete. Yes, it hurts...a lot.

This summer has been a challenging one for me. I found out that I had severe arthritis in my right knee and is likely in my back and other knee. Had surgery to remove much of the cartilage and am still recovering from that. I was not able to complete a much-anticipated internship at the zoo because of issues with my knee. Family summer activities were greatly curtailed because of my lack of mobility.

That is why my fish is breaking out of a net. It symbolizes struggle and working to overcome obstacles. Fact of the matter is, life will always have it’s struggles. My new tattoo is a reminder of that and an encouragement to keep fighting to break free.

I think a good tattoo rises to the surface from the deep places inside you. When something touches me powerfully, I want to mark my body and tell there the story of my life. I suffer the pain for the permanence. Life moves on, but nothing can change the fact that I decided to mark this moment in time and give it significance.

Life throws a curve ball

Just a few thoughts for now. My apologies if they are not particularly cohesive. I'm tired, a little emotional and somewhat drugged up.

A few months ago I started having pain in my right knee. It was worse after I exercised, but seemed to improve with rest and ibuprofen. After 6 weeks or so of this I finally went to my regular doctor to have her check it out. She sent me to physical therapy and told me to give it a few more weeks.

Physical therapy and more rest did not significantly improve my knee, so I finally went to an orthopedist. Took an MRI and suspected that I had torn the meniscus. Scheduled arthroscopic surgery to see what was going on in there.

Turns out the meniscus is fine, but the cartilage above it was all frayed. He cleaned that up and now I'm slowly on the mend from surgery. What I'm dealing with now is the diagnosis I got: primary osteoarthritis. Arthritis at 32?!

There are things that I can do to slow the progress (lose weight, strengthen muscles, avoid impact activities), but the degeneration will happen all over my body. I will probably need more surgery in time and I can expect pain in my joints for the rest of my life.

I have always been active and strong and this is hard for me to adjust to. I want to be stronger than this. Because this is genetic, I fear for what I may have passed on to my kids.

Right now I am trying to accept that we are who we are. This is my life to live, and live it to the best of my abilities. My abilities may not be what I thought they were, my limitations are different than what I wanted for myself. I want to feel empowered by the knowledge I have now, but I can't help but feel like I've let everyone down somehow. I am trying to be optimistic, but it's hard right now.

How Low Can You Go?

I have high blood pressure and some iffy blood glucose numbers left over from my pregnancies. Neither of these were health problems before, I just figure this is my souvenir (that and the impressive and slightly creepy c-section scar).

Anyways, went to the Dr this week to get bloodwork looked at, physical, etc. Some good news on that front. My fasting glucose is a little high, but my HbA1C is great. Interestingly, after I eat, my glucose comes down. Told the Dr that and she just hmmed. I guess I get no theories from her as to why. Good thing is, we are not going to have to do anything about the glucose stuff for now. Yippee! Besides, I'm already doing everything they would tell me to do if I was becoming diabetic. I'm losing weight (25 lbs so far!), exercising a lot and not eating any refined carbs or sugar. Not sure where I could go from that.

Another interesting result from the labs was my lipid panel. (These numbers are from this month and 8 months previous.) My total cholesterol went from 181 to 165. Triglycerides went from 82 to 29! The Dr tells me to take fish oil capsules for this because it's now below normal. But from what I can tell, there is no danger in having triglycerides below normal. So boo to her, I'm not taking capsules. Blech! And lastly, my VLDL (the very bad cholesterol) went from 16 to 6. I'm happy with my numbers. And I think I have to attribute it all to my diet. I've always exercised like a maniac and not seen much change. 7 months ago I started cutting carbs out of my diet and I think that (for me at least) the numbers speak for themselves. Not to mention how great I've felt on this diet. It's a keeper! :)

Manic Monday

So, I just have to vent about the insanity that was my day today.

First, I had a doctor's appointment to follow-up on my blood pressure. ($20 co-pay) Things look great and she's letting me step down the dosage of bp meds again. The kids are all coughing though, and there is this one lady in the waiting room who covered up her mouth as soon as we walked in. I am basically just cycling through them one at a time to blow noses. I had to get the box of tissues that was for the whole waiting room and keep it right by us. I was very happy to get my plague children into the exam room.

Then, the 3 kids and I went to smog the van. ($70) "J" and I realized last night that we had to smog the van and that registration was due in two days. So while the van was smogged, I took the kids to McDonalds to eat lunch. ($9) "S" is really thrilled, she got a dinosaur toy in her happy meal.

Then we came home to give "S" a treatment, because she's been coughing a lot today. Also, I paid the registration online ($116). Then, I go to turn on the bathroom light and I hear a pop and it goes all dark. And the lights in half the house won't come on now. So I call the husband and he walks me through the circuit breaker thing. I go turn on the light and all the lights go off again...so we have a problem. Now we have a candle in the bathroom and the switch taped off. I'm going to have to contact the landlord to have him come and figure out what's wrong with the electrical.

"G" has an appointment in the afternoon because she started complaining that her ear was hurting. So we all go to Dr. B ($20 co-pay) and sure enough, she has an ear infection. He told us it was the 10th one he had seen just today. Going around, I guess. He also told me that she has to wait another day before going back to school. Now she will have missed 3 days of school on just this illness. Sigh...

So we load back in the car and head off to the pharmacy. Of course, the pharmacy tells me that our coverage was terminated earlier this month...again. Because that's what I need today. I have to pay out of pocket for the antibiotics now ($14...not bad, they gave me a discount card seeing as my coverage is going to be terminated every month, just for fun). 45 minutes later, we head home.

Now we are home and it's almost 5 pm. I haven't had lunch and I've had a headache since noon. "M" is really missing his nap. Awesome-ness all around. I called the insurance...don't really know what's going on there, but supposedly someone is going to call me. Riiiight. Another treatment for "S"...the asthma is rough this time around.

Husband comes home and I head out to Costco, meeting a good friend there. We had a nice time shopping together and then standing outside for almost an hour, talking. She's such an awesome friend! :)

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig. I tallied up things, just because, and turns out I spent $448! No wonder I felt nauseous most of the day. :( Is this why Garfield never likes Mondays?

Well, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully not as eventful as today. :)