Life throws a curve ball

Just a few thoughts for now. My apologies if they are not particularly cohesive. I'm tired, a little emotional and somewhat drugged up.

A few months ago I started having pain in my right knee. It was worse after I exercised, but seemed to improve with rest and ibuprofen. After 6 weeks or so of this I finally went to my regular doctor to have her check it out. She sent me to physical therapy and told me to give it a few more weeks.

Physical therapy and more rest did not significantly improve my knee, so I finally went to an orthopedist. Took an MRI and suspected that I had torn the meniscus. Scheduled arthroscopic surgery to see what was going on in there.

Turns out the meniscus is fine, but the cartilage above it was all frayed. He cleaned that up and now I'm slowly on the mend from surgery. What I'm dealing with now is the diagnosis I got: primary osteoarthritis. Arthritis at 32?!

There are things that I can do to slow the progress (lose weight, strengthen muscles, avoid impact activities), but the degeneration will happen all over my body. I will probably need more surgery in time and I can expect pain in my joints for the rest of my life.

I have always been active and strong and this is hard for me to adjust to. I want to be stronger than this. Because this is genetic, I fear for what I may have passed on to my kids.

Right now I am trying to accept that we are who we are. This is my life to live, and live it to the best of my abilities. My abilities may not be what I thought they were, my limitations are different than what I wanted for myself. I want to feel empowered by the knowledge I have now, but I can't help but feel like I've let everyone down somehow. I am trying to be optimistic, but it's hard right now.

How Low Can You Go?

I have high blood pressure and some iffy blood glucose numbers left over from my pregnancies. Neither of these were health problems before, I just figure this is my souvenir (that and the impressive and slightly creepy c-section scar).

Anyways, went to the Dr this week to get bloodwork looked at, physical, etc. Some good news on that front. My fasting glucose is a little high, but my HbA1C is great. Interestingly, after I eat, my glucose comes down. Told the Dr that and she just hmmed. I guess I get no theories from her as to why. Good thing is, we are not going to have to do anything about the glucose stuff for now. Yippee! Besides, I'm already doing everything they would tell me to do if I was becoming diabetic. I'm losing weight (25 lbs so far!), exercising a lot and not eating any refined carbs or sugar. Not sure where I could go from that.

Another interesting result from the labs was my lipid panel. (These numbers are from this month and 8 months previous.) My total cholesterol went from 181 to 165. Triglycerides went from 82 to 29! The Dr tells me to take fish oil capsules for this because it's now below normal. But from what I can tell, there is no danger in having triglycerides below normal. So boo to her, I'm not taking capsules. Blech! And lastly, my VLDL (the very bad cholesterol) went from 16 to 6. I'm happy with my numbers. And I think I have to attribute it all to my diet. I've always exercised like a maniac and not seen much change. 7 months ago I started cutting carbs out of my diet and I think that (for me at least) the numbers speak for themselves. Not to mention how great I've felt on this diet. It's a keeper! :)

Manic Monday

So, I just have to vent about the insanity that was my day today.

First, I had a doctor's appointment to follow-up on my blood pressure. ($20 co-pay) Things look great and she's letting me step down the dosage of bp meds again. The kids are all coughing though, and there is this one lady in the waiting room who covered up her mouth as soon as we walked in. I am basically just cycling through them one at a time to blow noses. I had to get the box of tissues that was for the whole waiting room and keep it right by us. I was very happy to get my plague children into the exam room.

Then, the 3 kids and I went to smog the van. ($70) "J" and I realized last night that we had to smog the van and that registration was due in two days. So while the van was smogged, I took the kids to McDonalds to eat lunch. ($9) "S" is really thrilled, she got a dinosaur toy in her happy meal.

Then we came home to give "S" a treatment, because she's been coughing a lot today. Also, I paid the registration online ($116). Then, I go to turn on the bathroom light and I hear a pop and it goes all dark. And the lights in half the house won't come on now. So I call the husband and he walks me through the circuit breaker thing. I go turn on the light and all the lights go off again...so we have a problem. Now we have a candle in the bathroom and the switch taped off. I'm going to have to contact the landlord to have him come and figure out what's wrong with the electrical.

"G" has an appointment in the afternoon because she started complaining that her ear was hurting. So we all go to Dr. B ($20 co-pay) and sure enough, she has an ear infection. He told us it was the 10th one he had seen just today. Going around, I guess. He also told me that she has to wait another day before going back to school. Now she will have missed 3 days of school on just this illness. Sigh...

So we load back in the car and head off to the pharmacy. Of course, the pharmacy tells me that our coverage was terminated earlier this month...again. Because that's what I need today. I have to pay out of pocket for the antibiotics now ($14...not bad, they gave me a discount card seeing as my coverage is going to be terminated every month, just for fun). 45 minutes later, we head home.

Now we are home and it's almost 5 pm. I haven't had lunch and I've had a headache since noon. "M" is really missing his nap. Awesome-ness all around. I called the insurance...don't really know what's going on there, but supposedly someone is going to call me. Riiiight. Another treatment for "S"...the asthma is rough this time around.

Husband comes home and I head out to Costco, meeting a good friend there. We had a nice time shopping together and then standing outside for almost an hour, talking. She's such an awesome friend! :)

Home again, home again, jiggity-jig. I tallied up things, just because, and turns out I spent $448! No wonder I felt nauseous most of the day. :( Is this why Garfield never likes Mondays?

Well, tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully not as eventful as today. :)

Save the Mix Tape!

Those of you fans of the Friends TV show will remember the episode where Chandler and Monica are supposed to make gifts for each other. At the last minute, Chandler finds an old mix tape of his and gives it to Monica. After a short while, Janice's voice breaks in...and Chandler's in trouble. Up until a few years ago, that's what I would think of when I thought of a mix tape. Either that or the tapes we would make in junior high, combining all our favorite songs on one tape-sometimes to give to someone or just for ourselves.

I don't know where the idea of a mix tape (or mix CD) falls in today's culture, but I suggest that we save the mix tape! And here is why I love them:

My husband made me one a few years ago and when I got it I was surprised. I felt it was an odd gift, and one that required little thought. How wrong I was! As we sat down and listened to it together, he told me about why he chose the songs. He talked about spending months sifting through songs and looking up lyrics so they would say just what he wanted and with the right kind of mood. I couldn't help but be moved to tears as I heard my husband's heart through music. I heard songs that I had known for years in a whole different way. Those songs make me feel loved in ways that a thousand "I love you's" could never do.

Everyone connects with music. The type does not matter as much as the way it touches chords deep within us. And when someone decides to share a song with you that expresses the way they feel about you, that's a precious thing.

"J" has recently given me "True Love Volume 5" and I am just as moved as I was the first time. I will leave you with one of the songs off it: "First Day of My Life" by Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain suddenly everything changed

They're spreading blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

Now I don’t know where I am

I don’t know where I’ve been

But I know where I want to go

And so I thought I’d let you know

That these things take forever

I especially am slow

But I realize that I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

Remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

And I thought it was strange you said everything changed

You felt as if you'd just woke up

And you said “this is the first day of my life

I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you

But now I don’t care I could go anywhere with you

And I’d probably be happy”

So if you want to be with me

With these things there’s no telling

We just have to wait and see

But I’d rather be working for a paycheck

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides maybe this time is different

I mean I really think you like me

Wax frogs-free to a good home

Well, not really. These little guys were photographed at the California Academy of Sciences. They are the subject of my next drawing. Thought I would post the original picture as I get started. I plan to post pics of my progress as I go. So far I'm not sure if I'm going to draw all three of the frogs, but I might. I think the composition is rather nice the way it is.

The reason they are "free to a good home" is because this will be the first drawing I have done in a very long time that has no designation. I always have someone in mind when I start a project like this. But I had no reason to draw this time, just felt like it and the wax frogs inspired me. I think if someone wants it I could sell it, but I will probably find someone to give it to by the time I'm done.

Box on my porch

Today I got my first box of produce delivered from Farm Fresh To You. They have lots of options for your order, but all of it is from local, organic farms and is always in season. You can order veggies only, fruit only, or a combination of the two. I started out with the small combination box (pictured above, with Diet Coke-my usual breakfast beverage-for scale comparison). Initially I set it to deliver every other week, but I can see that that won't quite be enough. I think next I'm going to try the next size up every other week. The slightly larger box will also give me more variety in the box.

I have chosen to give this a try for two reasons:

1. To support local, organic farmers. I have always wanted my own ranch. Even as a kid I loved to garden and wanted to raise our own animals for meat, milk and eggs. I was privileged to grow up in an area where I was able to experience much of that. But now I am a city girl. I still have the desire to put on a cowboy hat and go out to herd cattle, but I am slowly letting go of that dream. This gives me a very small taste of what I love, and helps support the people who are doing what I would do if I had another life to live.

2. For the challenge of cooking in season. Every week the contents of the box will vary and I love the challenge of figuring out how to make the most of each box. I am going to get things I have never cooked with, like mustard greens. What on earth will I do with those?! I love that this will force me to not only be more creative, but also will expose my kids to new tastes.

This week I got sweet potatoes...I have not cooked those since I was making baby food! Trying a new recipe for gratin with the leeks that were also in the box. :) (Below are the contents of my box.)

Musings on Kindergarten

Today was a big day for "G", my eldest. She started Kindergarten! The school is about a quarter mile from our house, so we walked there. She was super excited about going, as evidenced by the picture. She lined up outside the classroom and then went in and put her stuff away. Us parents were dismissed shortly after. The two other kids and I went on with a normal day. Gym and then home for lunch and all of a sudden it was time to pick up "G" again. She was happy when I picked her up, said she had a good time.

It was strange to not have her in the house though. So quiet. For those of you who know my middle child, she is NOT the quiet type. But as soon as older sister is gone, she has nobody to fight with or compete with. She totally mellows out. It's nice. And "S" really needs the extra attention. I've never spent much time with her without her older sister. Should be good to get to know her better in the weeks and months to come. She needs that time to find out who she is when out from under her sister's shadow. I'm really excited for where I see our relationship going.

An odd day though. I found myself feeling strangely un-moored sometimes, like a part of me was missing. And thinking about it, I have always had "G" with me, ever since she was born. So many of her moments we have shared. Ever since I was pregnant, and she swam like a fish under my heart, we have been together. I remember when she was just born, and we would head out together on errands. Just the two of us, she my constant companion. Now, for the first time, she starts a life without me. I am letting her go for hours at a time, in someone else's care. Someone else will share in her accomplishments and encourage her through her frustrating moments. In one day, I have become a bystander in my own child's life.

But all these are not dark thoughts. I am not upset. I'm happy for her. Indescribably proud of her. She's so ready for this. Ready to test those wings and learn to fly. And I am happy to let her go. She needs to do this, by degrees, in order to grow up a well-adjusted adult. Makes me think about what it was like for my own parents, letting us go to boarding school. Feels like that would be too much flying too soon...such a big adjustment. And also the home-schooled kids who never have to experience what it is like to be on their own-just a little. This feels right. If I can let her go in small increments, then I hope she will always return home.